unspeakable.

its a poor soul's birthday

2007-04-18T15:10:32Z

so it's my birthday. happy birthday to me.

After PIDC, the next big thing that i was really looking forward to is my birthday. Though i never really planned to make a celebration out of it, it is still special for me.

So i woke up at 8 am, with only me and our yaya in the house. My tita and tito already went to work, and my cousin went to her taekwondo summer class. Since the yaya never knew that it was my birthday, i left the house without anyone greeting me personally.

The first seven greetings that i received came from my Mom, Yang, Herbert, Christer, Sir, Katre and Joel cucueco. Two of which i only met recently - herbert, say, 4 days ago and joel, several months. Three of which, that includes my mom, are some of the closest persons in my life. and two are some of the good friends i have in college.

My Dad never called.
My sister never texted.
Friends whom i thought treated me as one of their closest friends apparently forgot to give me a gesture showing that they know or care about one of the special days in my life.
Some friends that are really important to me didnt greet me at all.
I just came into thinking that, perhaps, they just forgot my birthday. They can greet me tomorrow. or wait for another year.

I sent Bo, Sam, May and Kris a message saying "Today is Bj's birthday." at least they responded. that made it 11 people greeting me already. 3:55pm

Inna texted me some orgwork stuff chorva. apparently, she also forgot it. at least she remembered it later on. after her, some DS peeps texted and called to greet me. Chad gave one of the most touching messages that i have ever received.

Greetings from my titas and cousins
Greetings from my orgmates
Greetings from my Blockmates
Greetings from my highschool friends.

I went to a meeting with Jaycees Phil. In the middle of the meeting we paused. a red ribbon cake came out from the door with a "happy birthday Bj" kinda thing. i dont know how they found out my little secret, but i must admit that it was flattering.

I came back home. my tita could never have remembered that its my birthday if she didnt see the cake that i brought home.

I really dont know what makes a birthday special. should it be an intrinsic property of the event itself, or does it become special because of the help of people and friends around you? I'm already 19. and there are still many things that i need to learn.

Happy birthday to myself.
Half-disappointed. half-fulfilled.

Looking back, i would agree to Sir: "sometimes, all i can ask is for people to pretend. it can't be that hard"

Bj - Jojo Moments

2007-04-05T17:25:23Z

Globalization can't mmm... well. globalize time:

Bj: Hoy, m*th*r, gabing gabi na ah                  (12:45 AM Phil time)
Jojo: Gaga!
Bj, well, i mean dito ;-)
Jojo: 7pm palang sa Sweden

-----------------
Double Meaning:

Bj: M*th*r, kailangan ko ng partner. Walang wala na ako
Jojo: Its ok
Jojo: I'll cheer you up
Jojo: ganito lang yan
Bj: I'll cheer you up ---> di kita type ha
__________________
Wrong Market (another Jojo case):

Bj: Uy, I'll send you some of my recent pix
Jojo: Sige sige
Bj: accept photoshare na
Jojo: (accepted photosharing)
Bj: OMG!     (sudden realization that one nude pix of mine was sent)
Jojo: hoy! ano to?
Bj: shit, wrong pix
Jojo: Hahaha! parang porn. Umayos ka!
Jojo: Dangal at puri.
Bj: Sorry na, wrong pix talaga yun.
Jojo: mabebenta kita dito gusto mo.            (jojo talaga)

camping pictures

2007-03-10T08:06:30Z

http://binoalto.multiply.com/photos/album/23

http://binoalto.multiply.com/photos/album/22

bino_alto @ 2007-03-07T15:44:00

2007-03-07T08:01:56Z

http://binoalto.multiply.com/photos/album/18

alone:

2007-03-03T14:00:21Z

Have you wanted to be,
Alone like me, alone like me alone.
Wake up one day and decide that,
You want to touch the sky,
But you want to touch it alone.

Alone I need to be.
Alone, some body take me home.
Because I, well I need to be alone.
Alone is all I need.
Alone is best for me.

Wake up in bed and open my eyes,
Alone I need, alone I need to be.
Pushing the day as the sun does rise,
Alone I need, alone I need to be.

Alone I need to be.
Alone somebody take me home.
Because I, well I need to be alone.
Alone is all I need.
Alone is best for me.

How much have changed in the past two years?

2007-03-03T13:22:25Z

PATINTERO 05: making-up for the lost childhood...

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

FRISBEE 07: can't it just remain this way forever?

bino_alto @ 2007-03-02T22:23:00

2007-03-02T14:24:41Z

sick.
needing help.
losing sanity.
failing again.
I'm scared.

To P.A. -

2007-02-28T06:03:48Z

I drown my mind, half innocent, in your flesh -
like a sea of joy: I never care how it
began, nor where it will lead. I
submit myself to the stillness of the
time:
fulfilled not only of carnal wants; but
of wants that would fill my life with
senses: a sort of meaning that sprung
from desperation and hope,
but a meaning that I've long been
seeking. What
remains in my sight is the gentle
image of your soul, peeking through
your eyes, in a place that
feeds
the body.
I call it the unexpected.

02-29-07

l

2007-02-28T02:46:25Z

Life is weird.
But, it's nice to see the smile back...
I really miss it!

new place to visit...

2007-02-18T02:37:29Z

binoalto.multiply.com

broken existence 2

2007-02-18T02:36:04Z

again, he is
                    running
                            out   of    time.
regretting     is   already               foreseen coming
but the
                        extent     of the impact

he still cannot assess.

his life revolved around It.
It governed his daily schemes.
It is where his dreams are pounded.

like the             last
failure he had,
    being         prepared
                    is useless.
the cut will have             to open.
very soon,             pain
                     and defeat
will     cast   suffering     to
                his already sorrowful existence.

This man     failed    without any attempt
Satisfied in accepting that the win will never be his.

once again, i live

2007-02-02T16:56:04Z

It had been a long time since i last wrote something here.

I'm glad that one of my subjects is already over. My Italian 10 ended fairly with a 1.25 grade. 1 down, 4 more to go. I never thought that i'd survive last week's academic load - 3 exams, 2 reports (one of which i never really understood but still managed to present a good one), and a paper; yet still maintaining quite a lively social life. Spending time with friends - be it in coffeeshops till 1am or just walking around campus with no specific destination - adds more reason to enjoy a life that is condemned to cynicism and solitude.
.
Lately, i've been bombarded again by friendship/trust isssues. It struck me pretty deep this time. I never expected that in my life I'd feel this way to close friend. I really don't know where this concern is coming from; but the fact that I feel uncertainty and uneasiness already say something. Perhaps, I'm scared that it won't go anywhere; or worse, that i'll end up realizing later on that sincerity and the true sense of the word didn't exist to begin with. This Friendship means a lot - at least - to me.
.
I've been watching Queer as Folk recently already. I think its a good watch (well, after all, its my world that its depicting anyway). Now I see the point why Nicolo's been so excited a long ago for me to see QAF. Despite the abundance of fun and excitement in being gay, one needs to face the fact that its really a hard life. Only a few are blest with love; or whatever you call it.
.
I'm supposed to be in Baguio right now. I felt that giving my slot, however, to someone who dreams of reaching the summer capital is a nobler choice. Instead of being in Baguio, I've been adopted by Alvin. So here I am in their house, pretending that I'm studying too while finishing 3 episodes of QAF. Just waiting for Chad before we start watching Intimacy - a movie that Jon would regret watching it with me back in Naga.
.
O yeah, visited Naga City, too - millions of pili nuts, 13 martyrs, 3 old churches, 2 very religious universities, 1 hospitable family that adopted me, 2 shopping arcades with countless pirated dvds, 4 coffeeshops (one of which has 2 cute barristas),  and 100 promiscuous people when night time comes.
.
Lastly, I'm sick again. Being cursed by spending 160 pesos a day for my one week of medication just makes go nuts.

I love this life that i live.
or maybe not. it depends.

one favorite poem

2007-01-13T14:32:02Z

Tonight I Can Write the Saddest Lines

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example, “The night is shattered
And blue stars shiver in the distance.”

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved him, and sometimes he loved me too.
Through the nights like this one I held him in my arms.
I kissed him over and over again under the endless sky.

He loved me, sometimes I did love him too.
How could I not have loved his great eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have him. To feel that I have lost him.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without him.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter if my love could not keep him.
The night shattered and he is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied because it has lost him.

My sight searches for him as though to go to him.
My heart looks for him, and he is no longer with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We both of that time are no longer the same.
I no longer love him, that’s true, but how much I have loved him.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch him hearing.

Another’s. He will be another’s Like my kisses before.
His voice, his bright body. His infinite eyes.

I no longer love him, that’s true, but maybe I do love him.
Love is so short and forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held him in my arms
My soul is not satisfied because it has lost him.

Though this is the last pain that he makes me suffere
And these the last verses I do write for him.

bino_alto @ 2007-01-10T15:00:00

2007-01-10T07:10:53Z

Yesterday, i just considered going to church. after, say, 7 years of being a non-practicing catholic.
___________________________
I never thought that yang - even when he's drunk - could give me a taste of his fist last night. I think I deserved it, though. Well, I also made him taste mine; I do give hard punches, by the way. My arms and back ache so much.
___________________________
Jan called me last night after 2 years of dormancy in Canada. Miss that girl.
___________________________
Right now, i'm rushing papers. good luck!

Week's review

2007-01-06T13:20:45Z

Monday: Went to Korinne's house for a meriendacena. In the evening, we - my Paoay friends and I - sneaked the old Gallant out of the house, went to Laoag for reasons we don't know, spent quite an amount, and, after all the fun, got scolded when Ma found out that there was a noisy car that came back at around 2am.

Tuesday: I went to MMSU College of Nursing to see some of my old friends - and foes- back in high school. Some already have partners, some still single, some still pathetic (like me).

Wednesday:At 12 noon, I was still on my bed doing nothing like i wouln't be leaving for Manila a few hours later. Honestly, I didn't want to leave because i haven't had enough yet of my vacation - i wish to do some things more. I need some more time. But, I couldn't do anything about it, and I'll be seeing the jungle soon again.

Thursday: I attended my Italian class. I felt so dumb for I wasn't able to converse/answer in Italian correctly. I didn't bother checking my Third World Poetry class if my silly-sounding prof was there for i was so excited to see Gino again. It was a good bonding for recollection, reflection, friendship reviewing, stories of fun and disappointment sharing, walking (approx. 4 km), etc. That's what i call a brotherly m2m experience! haha (I can't wait for our mega UBE)

Friday: I woke up seeing a similar message from Suki and Len: test ba natin ngayon sa STS?. It was a false alarm moment. Attended my Italian class where my prof asked me - in Italian - if i like boys. Attended STS - a boring class. Went to Vinzons. Saw some DS peeps. Saw JC after a very long time; I miss that big momma. Went to buy shakes with Nico and Jow. Ate supper with Yang and Chad. Satisfied Jon's craving for jollibee. Stayed at Chiggy's till 10pm with Inna, Chad, Yang, Alvin, Biboy and Jon.

Saturday: Already awake at 7am; waiting for Chad's text for he asked me to accompany him to reissue his ID. Attended BOD meeting after missing three previous meetings; still uncertain of many things. Went to buy a planner with Inna since we both think that our lives need some organization and direction.

flashback06

2007-01-02T09:51:46Z

Things in 2006 that i won't forget:

1. Running for the USC (and lost it).
2. Chasing after a PE Prof - who wouldn't entertain me - for an INC. (pakshet talaga).
3. Being asked by a Prof. to teach here in UP when I graduate.
4. Faking 2 major papers in two different major subjects (and still getting high remarks!).
5. Going out with a guy (a friend of a friend) one summer night and walked along the sea shore together while sharing each others stories.
6. Asked by a Prof. to have lunch together.Nan-libre nga talaga.
7. Surviving more or less three months without receiving any allowance (i'm glad the crisis is over).
8. Wild pigeon hunting.
9. Drafting - for the first time - an 11 generation-line family tree (some info. that i found out are not that pleasant at all. e.g., grandad received an aeta from his grandpa on his 13th birthday. for security and company sake daw. duh? and many others).
10. "No sleeping" bonding in Mcdo Katipunan and Philcoa with DS friends.
11. Not breaking as an adj, but winning NDC anyway.
12. My tendon cyst operation ( i think i'll be having another operation soon due to recurrence)
13. the "lube" experience. haha!
14. the "Bj-Inna friendship pens" experience.
15. the Bj-Gino funny Baguio experience/s.
16. the Bj-Jojo Cubao experience.
17. the Bj-Franz Cinema experience.
18. the Bj-Mylene-Macel-Korinne Laoag midnight experience.
19. Running from the Mainlib to the College of Music, while crying, about to break down, after the lantern parade (what a public exposure of weakness).
20. Judging a Miss Gay pageant last summer (eww)
21. Confessing
22. the Yang-Bj 12m.n. Sunken Garden experience.
23. the PCES batch 2000 night swimming and outings.
24. the Bj-Rex Recto-Divisoria experience.
25. Sleep overs: Alvin's, Mon's and Ash's.

Mababaw na kaligayahan

2006-12-30T08:23:56Z

I just read a Zafra book, Twisted Flicks, given to me by Ashley. This C.L. girl's work is a fun read. I just couldn't resist placing this line here:

"Odette Khan played the role of a proprietress of a brothel."

DS peeps will surely understand, and laugh at this, too!

totally lost

2006-12-29T10:38:55Z

If I were to recall what happened last night, I really can't think of a thing that could have triggered another manic depression attack. At 6 in the evening, I was already back home after watching a tennis match by my friends; i had a little gay-chat with CK, and an aborted one with Nico; I chatted with someone, a guy 2 years younger than I am, in my very unusual flirty-mode; talked to a high school friend over the phone for 30 minutes; then, I watched another not-so-old movie - which's kept in the house and god knows how long they might have been there without anyone noticing it - entitled The History Boys. I wasn't able to finish the movie - depression suddenly attacked me. I don't know why.  Thoughts poured in my mind to the extent that i no longer knew what to do. Add to that, i also had difficulty in breathing.

Last night, i barely slept. At 4 AM, i was still awake bothered by things i really can't figure out - perhaps, feelings. perhaps, lust or love. Perhaps, regarding my options in life. Perhaps, fear. Perhaps, about the decisions i've made and will definitely make. Perhaps, uncertainties in all most everything that i have. Perhaps, friends. Perhaps, disappointments. Perhaps, life.

I'm practically awake for almost 34 hours now. I couldn't sleep. I've lost my apetite as well. I wan't to leave my room; but, i can't face the outside.  I've troubled many people already last night - some took me seriously, while some thought that it was just a joke (i can't blame them if they are used to seeing the jovial me). I'm needing comfort from people whom i can seek refuge in times like this. I just don't feel safe with myself. I just can't take it. I've never felt so down before. This isn't me anymore.

I really don't want being alone.

What a bored person can do...

2006-12-28T06:08:10Z

December 06 Poster Color Paintings

untitled

Lone Wanderer

________________________________
Modeling Clay Works - Dec. 26, 06

ROBO-ALTO

3 Monsters out of my imagination:
A Robot (Robo-Alto), A Bug (digimon-inspired), A Dragon.

____________________________
Oven-heated terra-cotta clay work

Venus de Bino Alto? (does it make sense?)

__________________________

Ink Blotches...

untitled.

HOW WILL i LIVE,
IF i'm SO AFRAID?
UNCERTAIN OF A FEELING
THAT IS NEVER FREE -
TELL me HOW TO STOP,
BECAUSE i DON'T KNOW.
i'VE SUFFERED MUCH
BUT, STILL, i WON'T GROW.

An Self-Interview with the Most Interesting Person Alive!!!

2006-12-21T09:42:48Z

ARE YOU:
1. A cuddler? with the right person.
2. A morning person? Yes.
3. A perfectionist? Sometimes.
4. An only child? No.
5. Catholic? Yes.
6. In your pajamas? No
7. Currently suffering from a broken heart? It depends on how one looks at it.
8. Okay styling other people's hair? No.
9. Left handed? Not that i know. But i sometimes eat holding the spoon with my left.
10. Addicted to MySpace? No.
11. Shy around the opposite gender? Sometimes.
12. Loud? Sometimes. it depends.
12. Bite your nails?
13. Get paranoid at times? Yes. And its scary when i get an attack.
14. Currently regret something that you have said/done? nope.
15. Curse frequently when you get mad? Sometimes.
16. Enjoy country music? Yes.
17. Enjoy jazz music? Yes.
18. Enjoy smoothies? Yes.
19. Enjoy talking on the phone? Not anymore.
20. Have a lot to learn? Yes.
21. Have a pet? A pomeranian (actually, we have 11 dogs at home. but only one is close to me).
22. Have a tendency to fall for the wrong person? I'd like to believe, yes.
23. Have all your grandparents died? Nope.
24. Have at least one sibling? Yes. A puckish girl
25. Have been told that you are smart? Many times
26. Have had a broken bone? none
27. Have been seriously sick? Pneumonia at 6 months, infant TB at 3rd grade, Viral Hepatitis at 2nd year high.
28. Have caller id on your phone? Yes. (provincial contact number)

HAVE YOU:
28. Changed a diaper? Yes, a cousin's.
29. Changed a lot over the past year? I think, yes.
30. Had friends who have never seen your natural hair colour? None.
31. Had surgery? Recently, a minor one in my left arm.
32. Killed anyone? in my mind,yes.
33. Had a haircut in the last week? No.

LAST PERSON WHO:
34. Slept in the bed beside you? Girl: Sam Tirthdas; Boys: Nicolo and Gino
35. Saw you cry? People in UP; while running from Mainlib to the College of Music after the Lantern Parade.
36. Went to the movies with you? A play: Nicolo.
37. Went to the mall with? Philcoa boys, just before i left Manila.
38. You went to dinner with? Dinner talaga ha, with my Dad.
39. You talked to on the phone? A Friend of my Mom

40. Said "I love you" to you and meant it? I don't know.
41. Broke your heart? ...
42. Made you laugh? A friend. Last night.

WOULD YOU RATHER
43. Pierce your nose or tongue? nose.
44. Be serious or be funny? serious
45. Drink whole or skimmed milk? whole milk
46. Die in a fire or drown? Fire.
47. Spend time with your parents or enemies? Parents

ABOUT YOU:
48. What time is it? 5:46pm
49. Nicknames? Bj, Jei, Rinter (this was my first given name that my mom and dad came up with)to a few.
50. Where were you born? Batac, IN
51. When is your birthdate? April 18.
52. What do you want? many things
53. Where do you want to live? A property over-seeing Paoay Lake. Another one in the Metro.

on Vacation?

2006-12-21T09:23:18Z

Fourth day on Vacation:

It still doesn't sink in to me that - again, for the 18th time - I'll be celebrating another Christmas
being loveless, lonely and hopeless.
I think I'm really not capable - or deserving - to be loved.
Its might be the sad truth.

Anyway, all are doing fine. Despite the windy weather here, i can still manage to visit and go out with friends. I really can't figure out right why just lately I've been so attached to our kitchen. I realized that the kitchen can be such a fun place where one can discover new things, experiment on dishes, create new recipes, etc. In fact, out of a sudden, I even craved to bake some pigeons. This morning, my sister and I went out with one of our manongs to shoot some wild pigeons. We brought home two. As expected, though, I wasn't able to shoot one.

At times i really cant go out, I just lock myself in my room and drown my self watching movies. Some old, some new. Last night, I stayed up until two in the morning watching "Another Gay Movie." Its so perfect (well, at least for me)! I also tried - and still trying - to read some books; but, i usually give up after reading 30 pages. Ewan, tamad na ako e.

So far, I haven't yet received any of my most-hated-Xmas-presents. I hope this continues until the last one I'll be getting this season.
_________________________
*senti-mode*

Too bad, i cant be in two places at the same time. I miss my friends back in Manila.

Gigil...

2006-12-16T15:04:04Z

Right now, i just want to pretend that everything's normal (although, i know it won't be for most of us):

MERRY CHRISTMAS, STILL!

I don't want to spoil the fun (if ever there is - i really wish that the long legacy of undies, socks, candles and loads as presents will now end) of the season.

I'm still hoping that I'll be able to receive - at least - a bottle of perfume, a copy of The Emperor's Club, or a Marvel action figure of the latest series. Maawa sana si Inang Hari, ang aming diyosa.

I plan not to do any academic stuffs while on vacation. I need rest (even if my load this sem is super super light). Relax lang tayo ngayon. Let January 2007 suffer from cramming, etc. That - I think - is the best way to start the year.

I can't wait to lay my hands on a steering wheel and go to places i really miss - the Paoay Lake, friends' houses, drinking coconut juice at Fort Ilocandia, seeing the sunset along Currimao's 2-km coral formation, late night strolling in Laoag City, Pagudpud, among others.

Its just a week and a half. All are to be maximized. See you next year!

Another OUT OF THE PLACE photo:
thanks for making the year colorful for me.
See, its really colorful!

Sem. resolutions update: ~~No boyfriend yet~~. The rest, so far so good.

*to my blockmates, sorry di ako naka-attend sa Xmas party natin. i know, i know, i know... sorry talaga.

bino_alto @ 2006-12-13T21:27:00

2006-12-13T13:27:03Z

Rain cascades softly
Clothes the world in shades of grey
Mingles with my tears.

Why Wina Should be Scared. Im serious.

2006-12-10T09:58:59Z

          Its really funny how debsoc peopl havent really moved on yet: some are still stucked with the idea that 1) there's really something between yang and i, 2) there's something about to happen between jon and i, too 3) that the Chad-Bj love affair still holds water. Maigad to the best homo couple nominations talaga!!! i feel so objectiifed! FYI, the Philcoa boys have agreed that incest wont be tolerated. period. hehe

         I really dont know how it happened but it did. We were all grepa but we still decided to go to Shangri-la to attend a party, and Megamall to play arcade games. Yep, we all did take a bath, though. But, im not just sure if all of us did change undies. True, its grepa! but it still happened. Some recycled clothes that were used the night before -hmm, the polo tee wore by Chad here was the one I used for the Xmas party. I know what people will have to say, yes, its really grepa. Wina should now have the reason to be scared - she might lose her title next year. Luckily, we still managed to look good. besides, we were the only people who knew our little secret.

p.s. where's pooh?

really dont know why...

2006-12-09T10:20:03Z

I really don't know if its just a normal phase to sometimes get frustrated over some friendship that you made with other people. Still, if its really just normal I still don't like it. As much as I am a person who really takes the term FRIENDSHIP seriously and sincerely, the recent things that I'm hearing are just too bothersome, more than it being irritating. At present, I don't know what exactly is the truth, I don't know whom and what to trust. I'm even starting to doubt my very self. Sometimes, I'd just like to pretend that I'm not affected; that, anyway, all these things don't concern me at all. But, I choose not to. Again, I'm seeing spaces, also doubts.
I'm just thankful that amidst this "phase" that I'm (we are?) undergoing, there are still a few true friends that are are willing to help one another - come what may. To my only click (you guys know who you are)outside the academic realm, I owe all the valid reasons of not giving up to you.

moving on,
some pix with Friends: "Accepted. No matter what"

After the night of fun
Smelling chad... ok lang. no choice e
Nahuli na. lintik!
Nahiya tuloy... haha
So, ayaw mo talaga?
behind the scene... jon.
blow it the way BJ does

Gino, the brother

of course, its us!